Pengalaman bercuti ke Bangkok hanyalah cerita biasa..melawat tempat-tempat menarik, melihat telatah masyarakat, memerhatikan manusia yang pelbagai ragam demi sesuap nasi, kadang2 banyak memberi keinsafan. Betapa beruntung kita, masih mampu bernafas setiap hari, tanpa perlu menarik pelanggan, tanpa perlu berharap kepada wang tips.

Teringat sewaktu menjejakkan kaki ke Patpong (tempat pelacurang yang terkenal di Silom Road), kami diasak bertalu2 oleh bapak ayam untuk menyaksikan 'gay fucking show' dengan bayaran 400 B (RM 40). Dan melihat lebih kurang 20 lelaki berpakaian seragam sedia untuk dilacurkan malam tu, tiba2 rasa diri tersangat liar.

Pulang ke hotel, kami menaiki tut-tut dengan charge yang agak murah..kurang dari RM5 walupun perjalanan agak jauh. yang menarik, pemandu tut-tut dengan berani turut menawarkan "servis" dengan bayaran 2000B untuk 2 jam walaupun tanpa ditanya.

Rasa macam tertanya2, is life is that desperate for them>>

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Early this week i did attend a safety seminar organized internally by our company. Its actually a yearly event, nothing special to be remembered, except for piece of talk that cost me a day to think about it.

During tea break, there are five of us sitting in a round table, try to refresh back the full occupied brain for the next session. 3 lads, 1 preggy lady and 1 housewife. Of course, the topic is about the preggy lady. Being a mother very soon, i understand she must be very excited and looking forward to have her own flesh and blood coming out soon.

As a friend, to be honest, i personally happy for her.

But one question from her to the rest, make me being so sensitive, make me wonder, am I a loser?

"Korang semua takde plan nak tambah anak ke?"

the answers came across my ears really make me felt like a loser.

S menjawab " i have enough with three"
R menjawab " next year kot nak sorang anak lelaki lagi"
F menjawab "tunggu la naik gaji"

and what should i answer?

Should the peak of happiness is when you have a complete family?

So what is the peak of happiness for gay?

Hopefully it is not a reverse of a normal life, because i don't want to grow old alone, turn grey all by myself.

Maybe, that's the fact of being a gay.

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Last night i was alone, its a rare feeling, out of the blue i felt like i lost everything.

So i sign in every single social network account that i have. I browse through the YM list..

and i found very familiar name in the list. A colleague and my beautiful Kelantanese friend.

i wanna buzz her, i wanna say hello

but i knew she'll never reply.

She's no longer breath the same air like us.

She's no longer living in the same space like us.

She's no longer in this world. She lost the battle last month after fighting ovarian cancer for past 3 years.

it felt like yesterday she called me, asking me is it me outside her room at the hospital. i remember that time i was on my way to airport for holiday break.

2 days after that, i received a sad email..she's no longer survive, and was declared at 11am.

Despite of all sadness, I still worry of something. If only, i was called to go, when I've yet to be prepared and ready, what will happen..

With all the dark side of life that I've being through, will i be survive in the next life?

Oh God, bless me all the way, bring me to heaven...

way to heaven, hope i can find it

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Its not just a title, it's actually a song. A song that i really admire the most at this moment.

Its "Day by Day" performed by Jo Kwan Woo, a Korean singer i bet..

First time i heard it in MTV, i really felt in love..It was sad song, full of hope, sounds like Enya..

Of course, i don't understand the lyric at all....so i used Google translate and found the chorus sounds like this:

I wait all night long in front of your house
and the morning come
Everyday is like this
Day by day

Because i wanna hold you in my embrace
Forever..



it was sound too absurd for a person, to love another person like that. Waiting near the house everyday, from night, till day light.

But i think its okey to spare some hope, to a person we wanted to have. Because i do the same.

I might not waiting all night long nor whole day time, but still i'm waiting.

I keep my YM in sign in mode, waiting for him to buzz me.

Once in a while i check if he did online..

Unfortunately he is not....

Its actually day by day course.... and i think i will continue listening to Jo Kwan Woo...

till the day he buzz me.

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