Ada satu sms masuk tengahari ni...
Tertulis kata2 maaf...tertulis kata2 sayang..
Mengapa tidak dulu diucapkan....ketika ada dugaan dalam hubungan kita
di saat ada pihak ketiga yang cintai kamu..
katakan sayang ketika itu, aku akan percaya
sekarang sayangmu tiada nilai..maafmu hanya menyakitkan..
walaupun kau tidak pernah aku lupakan.
Semalam ada satu movie kat Astro Prima, tajuknya Sayang Abah..agak sedih la jalan ceritanya walaupun ada sedikit merepek..namun masih berjaya memecahkan tempayan air mata yg menonton ni...Of course, masa detik2 kematian si ayah yang byk berkorban dalam diam...
Selamat Hari Bapa to my dad. Waktu kecil, saya rasa sangat tak disayangi ayah..kadang, saya rasa benci pada ayah. terutamanya di usia remaja waktu ayah banyak bising dengan apa yang saya suka buat. walau ayah tak pernah pukul saya, tapi suara ayah bagaikan racun yang membunuh rasa sayang pada ayah. Sehingga waktu ketika, saya sangat membenci ayah dan tak bertegur sapa dengan ayah.
Waktu saya belum matang.
Untung saya diberi waktu oleh Tuhan. saya tidak mati di saat saya merasakan saya tidak perlukan ayah. masih ada ruang untuk saya membesar dan matang. untung akhirnya saya sedar ayah bukannya jahat. Untung saya mampu mentafsir kebaikan ayah bukan dari pandangan kasar.
Saya harap ayah sentiasa sihat. Happy Fathers Day!
Hanya satu perasaan malam ini...
yang mengikat mata dari terpejam
yang meruntun jiwa ke ruang cinta yang masih kosong
yang masih berharap pada kenangan yang indah
Hanya satu perasaan ketika ini
yang masih merasai kehangatan malam malam bersamamu
yang menanti hari esok ketika kau bakal hadir dan senyum kembali
yang terasa kehilanganmu setiap saat ketika
Hanya perasaan rindu yang indah
padamu yang membawa cintaku ke Benua Biru
rindu teramat..
apakah sama yang kau rasakan..
How i love MLTR when my feeling is mix up...really mix up feeling...I can't feel anything good at the moment..
Its always about the life I've been through. Did I failed, did I screwed it up, or it just i don't know if I've already succeed. Most of the time, I just feel not belonging and alone. Of course, that is something i do not want to voice out. I always love, but rarely get loved.
so many good song to interpret the mix up feeling..I'm a broken heart, again...
I just done with my 3 days tiring course for those who will traveling offshore boarding a helicopter and staying at the platform. Trust me, its very tiring. this is my 2nd time doing this after the certificate expiry
Sea survival course, helicopter underwater escape training, and basic fire fighting. Those required mental and physically fit. Well, as far as i finished the module, i'm now qualified until next four years...what a relief.
many good things I've learned, many behavior of people from different walk of life tobe observe, and of course the man (just kidding)! but the thing that i learn today is about fear..
i really like the quote from one of the instructor...
"in emergency, your fear will fight for your life. do not afraid, live with the fact and do your best to keep alive.do not obsessively scare and panic"
In a way, that is very true. your fear will make your stronger, but you should fight for it. Fear is manageable. Make me remember of my parents, and those who are not blessed with good luck. My parents raised eight us up, without have any financial security at that time. My father doing a gardening while my mother help by small food stall.
Well, I'm not sure if they are scared or not, because they never voice it out. But deep inside I'm sure, they were scared..They scared what if something happen to the garden, something happen to them...how all of us going to survive...We live with limited needs, but blessed from God really make us what we are today. Thank god, we are all grow up, and shade the parent fears.
Well i think everybody got their own fears. To overcome your fears, we have to fight for it. And one day, our fear will fight for our life.
Things happen to us today, what we do, what we've being through, sooner or later, it will become a history of life.
I love history, though it was created by tears and hurt.
It is nice to be remembered, but it is pain to take it as a fact.
I always remember you, when i look at your picture. I remember your laugh, i remember your voice, remember your touch.
I also remember your goodbye. How i miss you.
I think i have history with you. that is why i feel the pain.
I shouldn't think like that.
Then I decide not to make you history. So I don't have to feel the pain.
I still want to have story with you...i still want to smile because of you.
How i wish you would know that...
Running life is easy for certain peoples...I would say it is not for me..
Just like a drug, the first shot make you feel in a good high, the next shot feel even better... you are now in heaven of life...
but as it become a habit, you know you are now dependen t to "something" to continue living. And then came a stage where you think you get it enough, and want to escape from all those dependencies.
The fact that only few will be succeed, i can't deny that. Most of us will continue in the trap, like a slave devoted a life to the master.
Now, my master is gay life..
what if i don't know that I've been in the trap for so long? what if one day i may get lost in this world? what if i cant find the way back? what if I miss my master once he let me go?
I totally have no answer for it.. i believe most of us have our own master. But i did envy those who have normal life...really really envy...
I painted a smile on my face, but nobody understand how it feel to be worried.
I'm in love with you from beginning.....
but i know the feeling won't survive for long...
so i just like you...really like you as a friend..
i hope i can survive by only like you..
then i know, it is not the as i expected..
the feeling also failed to survive..
because you walk away, without say goodbye..
because you no longer response for a hello
because you not turning when i touched your shoulder
so my feeling no longer alive...
they are all dead..
you are not my friend
Maybe post ni sedikit terlambat untuk dedicate sempena sambutan Hari Ibu..Tapi kisah ni sangat best...sangat bermakna kalau nak umpamakan pengorbanan ibu dah ayah pada anak-anak...Thanks mom and dad....I'll be your apple tree...
Suatu masa dahulu,terdapat sebatang pokok epal yang amat besar.Seorang kanak-kanak lelaki begitu gemar bermain-main di sekitar pokok epal ini setiap hari.Dia memanjat pokok tersebut, memetik serta memakan epal sepuas-puas hatinya,dan adakalanya dia berehat lalu terlelap di perdu pokok epal tersebut.Budak lelaki tersebut begitu menyayangi tempat permainannya.Pokok epal itu juga menyukai budak tersebut.
Masa berlalu...budak lelaki itu sudah besar dan menjadi seorang remaja.Dia tidak lagi menghabiskan masanya setiap hari bermain di sekitar pokok epal tersebut. Namun begitu,suatu hari dia datang kepada pokok epal tersebut dengan wajah yang sedih.
"Marilah bermain-mainlah di sekitarku," ajak pokok epal itu.
"Aku bukan lagi kanak-kanak,aku tidak lagi gemar bermain dengan engkau,"jawab budak remaja itu.
"Aku mahukan permainan.Aku perlukan wang untuk membelinya," tambah budak remaja itu dengan nada yang sedih.
Lalu pokok epal itu berkata, "Kalau begitu,petiklah epal-epal yang ada padaku.Jualkannya untuk mendapatkan wang.Dengan itu,kau dapat membeli permainan yang kau inginkan."
Budak remaja itu dengan gembiranya memetik semua epal di pokok itu dan pergi dari situ.Dia tidak kembali lagi selepas itu. Pokok epal itu merasa sedih.
Masa berlalu... Suatu hari,budak remaja itu kembali.Dia semakin dewasa. Pokok epal itu merasa gembira.
"Marilah bermain-mainlah di sekitarku," ajak pokok epal itu.
"Aku tiada masa untuk bermain.Aku terpaksa bekerja untuk mendapatkan wang.Aku ingin membina rumah sebagai tempat perlindungan untuk keluargaku.Bolehkah kau menolongku?" Tanya budak itu.
"Maafkan aku.Aku tidak mempunyai rumah.Tetapi kau boleh memotong dahan-dahanku yang besar ini dan kau buatlah rumah daripadanya." Pokok epal itu memberikan cadangan.
Lalu,budak yang semakin dewasa itu memotong kesemua dahan pokok epal itu dan pergi dengan gembiranya.Pokok epal itu pun tumpang gembira tetapi kemudiannya merasa sedih kerana budak itu tidak kembali lagi selepas itu.
Suatu hari yang panas,seorang lelaki datang menemui pokok epal itu.Dia sebenarnya adalah budak lelaki yang pernah bermain-main dengan pokok epal itu.Dia telah matang dan dewasa."Marilah bermain-mainlah di sekitarku," ajak pokok epal itu.
"Maafkan aku,tetapi aku bukan lagi budak lelaki yang suka bermain-main di sekitarmu.Aku sudah dewasa. Aku mempunyai cita-cita untuk belayar.Malangnya,aku tidak mempunyai bot. Bolehkah kau menolongku?" tanya lelaki itu.
"Aku tidak mempunyai bot untuk diberikan kepada kau.Tetapi kau boleh memotong batang pokok ini untuk dijadikan bot.Kau akan dapat belayar dengan gembira," cadang pokok epal itu.
Lelaki itu merasa amat gembira dan menebang batang pokok epal itu.Dia kemudiannya pergi dari situ dengan gembiranya dan tidak kembali lagi selepas itu.
Namun begitu,pada suatu hari,seorang lelaki yang semakin dimamah usia,datang menuju pokok epal itu.Dia adalah budak lelaki yang pernah bermain di sekitar pokok epal itu.
"Maafkan aku.Aku tidak ada apa-apa lagi nak diberikan kepada kau. Aku sudah memberikan buahku untuk kau jual,dahanku untuk kau buat rumah,batangku untuk kau buat bot.Aku hanya ada tunggul dengan akar yang hampir mati..." kata pokok epal itu dengan nada pilu.
"Aku tidak mahu epalmu kerana aku sudah tiada bergigi untuk memakannya,aku tidak mahu dahanmu kerana aku sudah tua untuk memotongnya,aku tidak mahu batang pokokmu kerana aku sudah tidak berupaya untuk belayar lagi,aku merasa penat dan ingin berehat," jawab lelaki tua itu."Jika begitu,berehatlah di perduku," cadang pokok epal itu.
Lalu lelaki tua itu duduk berehat di perdu pokok epal itu dan berehat.Mereka berdua menangis kegembiraan.
ada sebahagian hatiku yang kosong
ada belahan jiwaku yang hilang
ada serpihan hatiku yang retak
ada kegelisahan yang membuatku tak berdaya
ada kerinduan yang tak pernah ada jawapannya
ada luka diantara luka yang lain
ada kehampaan yang merampas hari hariku
Pengalaman bercuti ke Bangkok hanyalah cerita biasa..melawat tempat-tempat menarik, melihat telatah masyarakat, memerhatikan manusia yang pelbagai ragam demi sesuap nasi, kadang2 banyak memberi keinsafan. Betapa beruntung kita, masih mampu bernafas setiap hari, tanpa perlu menarik pelanggan, tanpa perlu berharap kepada wang tips.
Teringat sewaktu menjejakkan kaki ke Patpong (tempat pelacurang yang terkenal di Silom Road), kami diasak bertalu2 oleh bapak ayam untuk menyaksikan 'gay fucking show' dengan bayaran 400 B (RM 40). Dan melihat lebih kurang 20 lelaki berpakaian seragam sedia untuk dilacurkan malam tu, tiba2 rasa diri tersangat liar.
Pulang ke hotel, kami menaiki tut-tut dengan charge yang agak murah..kurang dari RM5 walupun perjalanan agak jauh. yang menarik, pemandu tut-tut dengan berani turut menawarkan "servis" dengan bayaran 2000B untuk 2 jam walaupun tanpa ditanya.
Rasa macam tertanya2, is life is that desperate for them>>
Early this week i did attend a safety seminar organized internally by our company. Its actually a yearly event, nothing special to be remembered, except for piece of talk that cost me a day to think about it.
During tea break, there are five of us sitting in a round table, try to refresh back the full occupied brain for the next session. 3 lads, 1 preggy lady and 1 housewife. Of course, the topic is about the preggy lady. Being a mother very soon, i understand she must be very excited and looking forward to have her own flesh and blood coming out soon.
As a friend, to be honest, i personally happy for her.
But one question from her to the rest, make me being so sensitive, make me wonder, am I a loser?
"Korang semua takde plan nak tambah anak ke?"
the answers came across my ears really make me felt like a loser.
S menjawab " i have enough with three"
R menjawab " next year kot nak sorang anak lelaki lagi"
F menjawab "tunggu la naik gaji"
and what should i answer?
Should the peak of happiness is when you have a complete family?
So what is the peak of happiness for gay?
Hopefully it is not a reverse of a normal life, because i don't want to grow old alone, turn grey all by myself.
Maybe, that's the fact of being a gay.
Last night i was alone, its a rare feeling, out of the blue i felt like i lost everything.
So i sign in every single social network account that i have. I browse through the YM list..
and i found very familiar name in the list. A colleague and my beautiful Kelantanese friend.
i wanna buzz her, i wanna say hello
but i knew she'll never reply.
She's no longer breath the same air like us.
She's no longer living in the same space like us.
She's no longer in this world. She lost the battle last month after fighting ovarian cancer for past 3 years.
it felt like yesterday she called me, asking me is it me outside her room at the hospital. i remember that time i was on my way to airport for holiday break.
2 days after that, i received a sad email..she's no longer survive, and was declared at 11am.
Despite of all sadness, I still worry of something. If only, i was called to go, when I've yet to be prepared and ready, what will happen..
With all the dark side of life that I've being through, will i be survive in the next life?
Oh God, bless me all the way, bring me to heaven...
way to heaven, hope i can find it
Its not just a title, it's actually a song. A song that i really admire the most at this moment.
Its "Day by Day" performed by Jo Kwan Woo, a Korean singer i bet..
First time i heard it in MTV, i really felt in love..It was sad song, full of hope, sounds like Enya..
Of course, i don't understand the lyric at all....so i used Google translate and found the chorus sounds like this:
I wait all night long in front of your house
and the morning come
Everyday is like this
Day by day
Because i wanna hold you in my embrace
Forever..
it was sound too absurd for a person, to love another person like that. Waiting near the house everyday, from night, till day light.
But i think its okey to spare some hope, to a person we wanted to have. Because i do the same.
I might not waiting all night long nor whole day time, but still i'm waiting.
I keep my YM in sign in mode, waiting for him to buzz me.
Once in a while i check if he did online..
Unfortunately he is not....
Its actually day by day course.... and i think i will continue listening to Jo Kwan Woo...
till the day he buzz me.
Semalam hari yang indah...
Hari terakhir si dia di Malaysia, sebelum ke Amman untuk 5 bulan berikutnya..
Pulang menemui yang tersayang, tapi sedikit pun aku tak gundah..biarlah..
Kami berborak buat sejam yang terakhir, setiap detik aku hargai seolah dia akan pergi selamanya..
memang tiada alasan untuk merindu..
kerana kami bukan kekasih
kerana kami bukan kawan
kerana kami bukan sepasang
kerana kami bukan cinta
Cuma kami ada jalinan....yang terbatas dari segi perasaan, namun menjangkau sempadan persahabatan
Sebelum dia berangkat sejam yg lalu, masuk satu sms..
"Abg, dah nak fly ni, thanks for everything...kalau ada rezeki, kita jumpa lagi okey next time.."
Tetiba rasa rindu...and rasa macam kehilangan..
sehingga aku tersedar, rindu pun harus mempunyai batasan...cinta pun harus ada ruang..
because he's not belong to me, so do i'm not his belonging...
So biarlah jalinan kekal dalam perangkap batasan, rasanya itu lebih membahagiakan..
"Selamat jalan, semoga selamat sampai, selamat belajar dan lulus cemerlang, and selamat kembali ke Malaysia nant k...insyaallah nanti kita jumpa lagi okey.."
Sekarang ni i kat kampung..petang tadi sampai
on the way dari airport tadi, singgah la pasar malam and beli macam2 jenis mkanan wat bekal tgk bola (Liga Super kot)...Kelantan vs Kedah kekdahnya..
Ntah la, xreti nak layan bola..tapi dah ramai2 tgk satu family, kita pun, pura2 minat je lah..nama2 pemain bola pun diorang hafal semua, terpaksa la i pura2 kenal...
dah dekat minit ke 80 tu, ada substitute pulak...and kamera pulak tetiba focus kat pemain berjersi number 7 nih...
Superb uols
Deria penglihatan i dengan pantas merangsang otak untuk mentafsir lalu meluahkan melalui lidah i yang memang tak berinsurans..
"Wah, comel nya budak ni..putih nya"
Semua terdiam........
semua mode konfius...
nasib baik la seminit kemudian ada suara yang tolong cover
"aah la, agaknya muda lagi kot...comel dia..."
suara kakak i...
Sedikit malu lah...pecah lubang i...
Dah pukul 12 malam...
badan dah terlalu penat, tapi mata masih terbuka luas
mungkin mata masih belum mengizinkan
bayangan itu padam
masih belum merelakan
cinta itu hilang
Tapi hati memujuk mata
cinta bukan padam dalam kegelapan
cinta bukan hilang disebalik mimpi indah
cinta tidak pergi selagi hati masih di sini
lalu mata pun terpejam
terpengaruh dengan pujukan hati
dengan harapan cinta masih di sini
bila mata terbuka esok hari..
*padahal nak citer pasal tidur jer*
Gudnite...
i knew one guy last month...young, smart, educated, professional with moderate look.
we change contact number, we chat, and we decided to meet up.
he came to KL, we went for movie (title is "No String Attached"), we hangout and dining...
Really enjoyed the night and i think i fall in love...i wanna speak it out but that's pointless. He's attached to someone else.
He spent a night and went back to East Coast the next day. The night went well, the best one i had..
The next following days make me crazy. People called it sasau, i called it ting tong...we keep in touch by phone, and instant messaging.
A week past, i still ting tong....then i decided to spell it out. So i voice it to him. i said i crushed on you. Would you consider me, in the next opportunity?
His answer make me laugh...owh, sigh...no problem, at least i tried.
Now he's out to another country. hopefully we'll meet again in next 4 months...No string attached, that should be fine with me. it still delicious.
Have you heard about a half-full and half-empty glass?
Half Human Half Hanjeng
